No doubt, we’ve all experienced the urge to recover something lost, whether it was money, a family heirloom, a damning letter, or just an eldritch tome that haunts our nightmares. One solution: assemble a team of experts to retrieve the lost item.
The core members of such a team might include a mastermind (to plan the heist), a thief (to get past any security devices), the driver (to orchestrate exfiltration), the muscle (in case something goes horribly wrong), and of course, the distraction (because it is much easier to get away with stuff if everyone is looking in the wrong direction). Speculative fiction offers numerous candidates who would combine the required expertise with the necessary moral flexibility. Here are the five SFF characters I’d pick for my retrieval team.
The Mastermind: Doctor Impossible (Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman)
Transformed by SCIENCE! into the world’s greatest genius, Doctor Impossible has plenty of practice envisioning and attempting schemes of unparalleled ambition. True, he does not so much struggle with Malign Hypercognition Syndrome as enthusiastically embrace it—thus the string of failed attempts to CONQUER THE WORLD!—but provided you can convince him that the heist is a step towards the global fame and adulation that is his due, Doctor Impossible can be relied on to provide an almost perfect plan. Don’t think of his track record as thirteen failures. Think of them as thirteen near-successes—bold visions that might have succeeded had someone like you managed to keep the Doctor focused on the achievable.
Note: You may need to break Doctor Impossible out of a federal penitentiary.
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The Thief: Skeen (Skeen’s Leap and others by Jo Clayton)
Skeen has been a “rooner” (a “specialized smuggler/thief/plunderer,” to quote from the novel in which this character debuts) for forty years. Her exploits are famous enough to compel her to use a number of aliases, but she has managed to evade the authorities and is still a free woman. Still spry thanks to anti-aging drugs, Skeen has the ideal array of skills to get into—and more importantly, back out of—almost any heavily guarded facility. Skeen is a comparatively trusting criminal; she doesn’t waste time paying attention to her job contract to see if there’s a hidden hook. This often presents her with problems, which she skillfully evades. Betraying her is ill-advised. She is a survivor.
Note: You may need to retrieve Skeen from other-dimensional Tunal Lumat, where she took up residence after discovering some portals are one-way.
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The Driver: McGill Feighan (The Journeys of McGill Feighan series by Kevin O’Donnell, Jr.)
McGill Feighan is a “flinger,” a teleporter whose reach spans the Milky Way. He is also one of the very few flingers to escape the Flinger Network’s methodical conditioning, which prevents flingers from doing anything untoward. Although he is not criminally inclined, he is at the centre of a compelling mystery—why did the terribly mysterious Far Being Retzglaran orchestrate McGill’s kidnapping as a baby?—and if you can convince him the job will somehow get him closer to answering that question, he may turn a blind eye to certain legal niceties. With him by your side, the entire galaxy is within reach.
Note: The vast criminal gang known as the Organization would also like an answer to McGill’s question. They play rough, so try not to attract their attention. Or the attention of the Far Being Retzglaran, for that matter.
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The Muscle: Balsa (Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit and others, by Nahoko Uehashi)
Balsa has survived a career spent as a literal spear carrier in a culture that views commoners like Balsa as eminently expendable. Not only is she an adept body guard, she has the valuable knack of knowing when she is out of her depth. She’s even better at avoiding being in a position to make use of the first knack. She is one of the few soldiers in New Yogo who can say they’ve fought demons and worse; thanks to her remarkable skills, she’s one of the even fewer who can they survived fighting demons and worse.
Note: Balsa will know if your job is a bad idea. Not that that will help her avoid it if it is.
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The Distraction: Miles Vorkosigan (The Warrior’s Apprentice and many others by Lois McMaster Bujold)
Childhood (well, fetal) injury left Miles comparatively frail, which makes him a misfit in muscular, military Barrayaran culture. Where other Barrayarans might instinctively resort to direct force, Miles has always had to use cunning, glib patter, and unlimited reserves of hasty improvisation. Therefore, planting Miles anywhere in the vicinity of the target should guarantee that security will be too busy contending with the fog of chaos that follows the hyperactive aristocrat to notice what the rest of your team is doing. Even better, if the team gets caught, odds are good Miles will provide some superficially convincing reason to release them.
Note: Miles’ ability to spare his own allies from the confusion that attends his Bavarian Fire Drills is limited, to put it kindly. That said, resist the temptation to involve him without informing him, because his ability to spare people the chaos is even more limited when he does not know he should be trying to do so.
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No doubt you have your own preferred candidates for each of these key heist-related roles (if only because I selected mine mainly for entertainment value). Comments are below.
In the words of Wikipedia editor TexasAndroid, prolific book reviewer and perennial Darwin Award nominee James Davis Nicoll is of “questionable notability.” His work has appeared in Publishers Weekly and Romantic Times as well as on his own websites, James Nicoll Reviews and the Aurora finalist Young People Read Old SFF (where he is assisted by editor Karen Lofstrom and web person Adrienne L. Travis). He is a four-time finalist for the Best Fan Writer Hugo Award and is surprisingly flammable.
Note that Doctor Impossible’s schemes to acquire the components for his brilliant plans generally work. It’s only once he tries to use the components to e.g. yank the Moon out of the sky that the wheels fall off. Also, and I happen to think this is a huge asset in a mastermind, he doesn’t tend to kill off his minions once their usefulness has been served.
How about Harry Harrison’s James Bolivar DiGriz aka The Stainless Steel Rat?
The Doctor, of course, can also run a Bavarian fire drill with the best of them.
I see WordFire Press has rereleased Kevin O’Donnell, jr.’s Flinger books.
If you’re looking for someone that can mastermind a caper that has layers upon layers, then you would want the Hindmost, the supreme… leader… of the Puppeteers. Just remember that he will not leave his stasis field protected chambers to interact with the rest of the team, nor get anywhere near the site of the job. But, he will come up with a plan that should work.
5: That reminds me: I meant to add a warning that under no circumstances should one hire a god or other effectively divine being to do the planning.
I might just have published a heist novel with more or less this sort of team in place last November via Tor.com (Dead Lies Dreaming)! Hours of endless fun ..
Too bad we never got a novel where Miles got unleashed purely as a distraction. Though I suppose that would depend on his superiors realizing what was about to happen. Or stay out of prison long enough to arrange the main heist
Trent the Uncatchable as The Mastermind/Thief – he’ll insist that nobody dies on the caper and he’ll take too many chances, but this is a guy who, while he was the most wanted man in the entire Solar System, stole the United Earth government’s biggest warship even though they EXPECTED him to try to steal it and PREPARED for it. I won’t tell you how, except to say he’s usually three steps ahead of (almost) everyone else. Read “The Big Boost” by Daniel Keys Moran for yourself, preferably after “The Long Run” and (optionally) “The Last Dancer.”
9: As I recall, someone in the Expanse series decided that since Holden is invariably a disruptive element, they would deliberately deploy him as such, and thus gain control over his chaos energy. I don’t recall that this plan actually worked…
@6: Your caveat reminds me not to hire a Pak Protector as part of my caper (for that matter, my caper may turn out to be part of his plot, whether I know it or not).
Now I kind of want to read a book in which Dortmunder eats some Tree of Life.
I’d want Miles as my planner and runner, he’s easier to deal with than Dr. Impossible, and I want his team; the inestimable Ellie Quinn, Sweet gentle Sergeant Taura, the sarcastic Bel Thorne and the rest of the Dendari.
@12: Me, too!
Say, Sparky Valentine would be handy in a caper, as would Lorenzo the Great (Larry Smith)
Aiken Drum saw some success as a Mastermind, but his best go was as an opportunist when Felice Landry’s irrigation project turned over the tables.
@11: If a Pak Protector finds out you exist, it is probably too late.
Vlad Taltos from the Steven Brust series would be my choice to lead a caper. Hawk is probably the best example, but in most of the books Vlad is excellent at keeping the plates spinning .
Jim Butcher has said that every writer wants to write one heist novel and proved it with SKIN GAME. Harry Dresden was after something in the god Hades’ vault. Yikes!
My own heist novel is now sadly out of print.
@13 with Ivan “You Idiot” Vorpatril as the distraction. He’d be very happy with the job that no one shoots at
Huh. Wikipedia has an article on Drake_Maijstral. The Crown Jewels (1987), House of Shards (1988), and Rock of Ages (1995). I don’t know from “rôles”, so I dunno. The article compares him with Miles Vorkosigan, and I think that’s fair, except Miles gets into unintentional trouble where Drake is usually more of an instigator.
Re Miles, when you say “Bavarian Fire Drills” don’t you mean “Barrayarian Fire Drills”? Please tell me “Bavarian” is a typo?
Agree 100% to references to Miles, Vlad and Dresden. Bit surprised no references to either Kelsier or Vin from Sanderson’s Mistborn (Kelsier as the mastermind and Vin and the category ignored in your list – deep undercover mole).
@20: I’ll bet that Komarrans tell stories about Barrayaran Fire Drills https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BavarianFireDrill
Ivan might be pretty good at the planning piece; at least his flow charts will keep things on track.
I vote for Eugenides, from Megan Whalen Turner’s books, for thief.
@21 – that’s very funny. So not a typo at all….
Also, on the Vlad side, Kiera the thief could fill that particular role at any time….
I see someone beat me to Sparky Valentine (John Varley). But you’d have to convince Sparky that there’s a role in it.
Varley’s Cirocco Jones might also qualify as a mastermind.
Then there’s Locke (mastermind and face) and Jean (muscle and brains) of the Gentleman Bastards.
There’s also Jean Laflambeur of the Quantum Thief and sequels. Imagine stealing (mostly) successfully from post-human group minds. He did it pretty well up until he got caught…
Venera Fanning of Karl Schroeder’s Virga sequence would make an excellent power player in any role of a heist. But be careful – she’s found a cause and she loves her husband.
I am shocked no one has mentioned Locke Lamora.
I think I’d pick the entirety of Phule’s Company–the Omega Mob ought to provide plenty of choices for each role, back ups if things go off script (as generally tends to happen), and much entertainment, too.
Ok, this is NOT sff but its my favorite funny heist movie ever. I was channel surfing (yes, I still do that, I’m old) and came across The Hot Rock (based on the Westlake novel, start of the Dortmunder series). If you’re reading this and haven’t seen it, go, do it now. Its a great little film, 1972, Robert Redford, George Segal, Ron Leibman, Paul Sand, and Moses Gunn & Zero Mostel show up too. Its a great way to kill two hours.
27: https://www.tor.com/2020/02/25/a-funny-thing-happened-on-the-way-to-the-heist/
@20 I like the idea of a Cosmere crew. Kelsier would be mastermind. Vin would be strongwoman, she fits the job description perfectly. As thief we try to employ Hoid, he has many talents, this among them. But not as mastermind, he tends to leave his crew in the shit, once he has got what he wants. Distraction will be Shallan Davar, as a Con she is even better than Kelsier. Driver would be Kaladin, he can move crews in style. Or if we need more speed, we have to lend Spensa. Problem will be to convince them to work together, especially Kelsier, Hoid and Shallan. The narrative seems to set them against each other. But for a short and safe project to distract from the existential worries they face, who knows?
I would take Jayne as my muscle, I think. Or maybe Taura – she’s smarter and more disciplines, although she can’t blend in at all.
@30 but who notices anyone standing next to Taura (except Miles but then no one notices anyone else)
@15: now there’s a blast from the past! (I read those books as they came out, but was sorely disappointed when the backstory was written out in the Metapsychic Wars books some time later.) ISTM that Drum would also be an excellent distractor — it’s why he was Exiled — but by the 3rd book he’s decided he wants to rule the marbles instead of scattering them.
I don’t know that every writer wants to do a heist/caper novel, but there have been interesting unexpected cases; I don’t think many people were expecting that Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance would turn into one.
I suggest as planner Johannes Cabal. He *will* get the job done, regardless of the drawbacks to others…
@28.
Thanks James, don’t know how I missed this first time around
Miles ran a caper (liberating an illegally cryofrozen body) in Cryoburn. I don’t recall offhand who the whole team was, but Miles was the planner, and I guess Roic was the muscle.
How about Anthony Villiers?
Anthony Villiers is just passing through and will leave as soon as his remittance arrives. Nothing to see here. Certainly not any giant toads.
What, no Bilbo Baggins?
Mastermind: Feste the Jester (and his wife) from Alan Garner’s ‘Fools’ Guild Mysteries’.
[Yes, the Jester from Shakespeare’s ‘Twelfth Night’ gets his own series of stories]
(Seconding Lock Lamora and/or Slippery Jim, but they will need watching)
Driver : Baby Driver if it’s a car, Hoburn Washburn if it’s a spaceship
Muscle: The Witcher. Or Jayne Cobb if you need guns and explosives.
The Distraction: Inara Serra from ‘Firefly’. Or YoSaffBridge, as long as you realise she’ll have a few side hustles going on and may betray you.
All I can say is never have a law student as the getaway driver.
With some creative accounting one could assemble a group of five to fit these roles from The Innkeeper’s Song by Peter S. Beagle. There’s a caper in there, tucked in with a bunch of other forms. One of his seemingly less praised stories, but for me it’s a gem of a book.
Okay, I know it’s a YA series but I can’t believe no one hasmarching. ANY of the character from Six of Crows. Kaz is the consummate Mastermind, Jesper and Nina are fantastic distractions (as are Wylan’s bombs) between Inej and Matthias you have got the muscle covered, and all of the sneaky little bastards could cover as thieves. Except Wyman. Poor little merchling.
Locke Lamora and Jean are, of course, perfect for this and her name escapes me (it’s been over a decade since I read it) but the pirate queen in Red Skies Over Red Seas would be an awesome Driver.
Also Jaskier (or Dandelion for the old school) is tailor made for Distraction status. The man’s a BARD for goodness sake.
Love seeing Skeen on the list – I have read those books to bits!
Jack Shaftoe of Neal Stephenson’s Baroque Trilogy – stole a ship full of silver that turned out to be gold! Then did an insanely complicated heist that put the entire English currency standard in jeopardy! He was pitted as Jack the Coiner against his arch enemy, Issac Newton, who was head of the Mint. Pirates, sex, fights, royalty, vagabonds, sailing the high seas, anti-slavery shenanigans, and many other adventures await when you read this big honking trilogy.
I am sad no Warhammer 40,000 fans made the obvious connections:
1. The Mastermind: Magnus the Red, Ahzek Ahriman, and other assorted Tzeentchian types, since Tzeentch is the Chaos god of “just as planned”.
2. The Distraction: CREEEEEEED!!!!!!!
3. Pretty much everything else: remember to lock the reliquaries when the Blood Ravens Adeptus Astartes chapter are around.
Lots of good thieves in the multiverse, but nobody ever catches Nuth.
It may not suggest exactly who to choose for a team but Kantovan Vault by Joel Shepherd illustrates the principle of assembling the most diverse possible collection of characters to carry out a heist. Styx might be a talented if untrustworthy mastermind.
Lex Alexander from Joseph R. Lallo “Big Sigma” series HAS to be considered for the driver/get away role! Fast driver and funny books.
@44–Only if Eliza is there to be Mastermind, and Yevgeny for Muscle.
Has nobody as yet mentioned the mind-ship Wild Orchid in the Sunless Woods, one of the central characters of Aliette de Bodard’s recent ‘Seven of Infinities’?
As a future era Lupin, (retired) brilliant leader of a very successful group of thieves, and also a mind-ship, she is more than qualified to fill the roles of both Mastermind and Getaway Vehicle for the humans. (The other mind-ships of her crew will have to make their own getaways.)
In between the action, her firm (if unorthodox) sense of ethics and her poetic and literary talents would also make her excellent company – I know I’d enjoy conversations with her.
Also I highly recommend James’ first pick, Soon I Will Be Invincible, to anybody who hasn’t yet read it. It’s very fun, a literary race through a world of comic book superheroes and supervillains, almost equally influenced by mainstream hero comics and alternative comic views in the spirit of Phil Foglio’s Girl Genius and Shaenon Garrity’s Narbonic or Skin Horse. *
Author Austin Grossman is I think as brilliant and talented a writer as his brother Lev (The Magicians) even though none of his books have hit the same level of popularity.
As a main character Doctor Impossible is somehow quite likeable and engaging, despite being a supervillain, and it appears he doesn’t want to hurt people in general. (Except possibly the traditional “those fools who laughed at him!”)
Another of Austin Grossman’s books, You, is an intelligent and clever fictional look at the history of computer and video games and their interaction with the real world – I see it as genuinely doing what Ready Player One seemed to be ineptly trying to do. I recommend that too.
* Malign Hypercognition Syndrome is instantly recognizable as the same disorder which in the Narbonic ‘verse is considered “hypercognitive dementia, also known as Walton’s disorder, also known popularly as mad genius, DSM-IV numeric code 295-33.”
@43: Yes, I was about to make a pitch for the Crows. Kaz might not be the best criminal mastermind in the fiction multiverse, but he’s prodigiously talented. Inej is an excellent thief (and spy, assassin, and saboteur), as she can move soundlessly, climb anything, do the balancing feats of the trained acrobat she is, and wield a mean set of knives. Nina is a deadly magical fighter, healer, and disguise-maker, as well as a polyglot and a gifted actress who can provide effective distractions, especially when you need a “damsel in distress” or a “flirty seductress.” Wylan is a prodigy of a self-taught chemist and inventor, whose bombs and other creations can be good for distraction or destruction. Jesper’s main talent is sharpshsooting, yet another form of distraction or destruction, and he has a few other skills which can be crucially helpful in a pinch. And while Matthias has no supernatural abilities, he’d be fine as the muscle. But no one would be especially good as a driver.
Quantum Magician, by Derek Kunsken is a great heist book! Lots of twists and turns, as well fabulous characters. Seriously fabulous read.
Mastermind: Miryem from Spinning Silver. She’s clever enough to deal not only with the first plan, but with the inevitable changes that will happen.
Thief: Skif from the Valdemar series, obviously
Driver: Bartimaeus from the series of the same name. He can turn into things small and unnoticeable enough to take a good look around and come back. The only problem is he might come back with the someone who didn’t appreciate his snarking on his trail.
Muscle: Rachel from the Animorphs series. Another shapeshifter, she can turn into a grizzly bear (among others) and she is getting way too deep in battle lust. Which might actually be a problem.
Distraction: Chrestomanci (Christopher Chant edition). Annoying enough to distract and powerful enough to knock people out he’s nearly a two-in-one
Shocked that I have to repeat this, but James Bolivar DiGriz.
Also, Jake and Hildy Pace from Odd Jobs Inc. (Ron Goulart). Sadly long out of print so I’m not really surprised that no one here has remembered them, but even so . . . at least I did.